“Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas.”
“I wish you a Merry Christmas.”
Natalie and Luke are spending Christmas with my mother and grandmother because I will be at the hospital. As I have been for the past few days. Their dad is so sick that my Christmas will be very original this year. A Christmas like no other.
While they open their Christmas gifts under my mother’s Christmas tree and eat holiday dinner in between playing with their new toys; I’ll be sitting in a hospital room, from the beginning of visiting hours until they kick me out, hoping their dad gets better because selfishly I don’t want to have to figure out a way to tell a three and a half year old her father died. And I don’t want to have to try and find a way to make a 20 month old remember his father from what little memories he could possibly have at 20 months old.
It’s easy to look for someone to blame. But in this case he’s the only one to blame. I just can’t say it to him. I get to the hospital and he’s on oxygen and having treatments. Doctors poke him in arteries (not veins) and his numbers are still low. The outlook isn’t good and I can’t tell him that it’s his fault because unless he still hasn’t woken up and joined reality he knows and he doesn’t need anyone to tell him. It just upsets me so much that he didn’t listen to me. I didn’t get through to him. So now my Christmas isn’t how I expected it to be. I won’t be there to see Natalie and Lukie’s faces when they open their Christmas gifts.
I am just so angry at him for not caring about his health. For causing this to happen.
I’m sad. And I’m being selfish this holiday season instead of holly jolly. But I’m silently also hoping that just this once I can be selfish and things work out.
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Natalie is going to visit Santa for the first time this morning. Heading over to the 8th floor of Macy’s Herald Square to take a photo with him in Santaland. Hopefully it will be an uneventful experience with one of those overpriced 5 x 7 photos to show at the end of it.
Oh sorry, I mean.. hopefully Natalie will have a magical experience in the “holiday wonderland designed to delight children of all ages.”
I wanted to take her to meet Santa for her first Christmas but she was only five months old and it was a major flu season so she only got as far as the restaurant near Macy’s in her cute pink Eskimo hat. Today she will join over 300,000 people who visit Santaland each year to tell Santa their holiday wishes.
And this time she’s going with Lukie and will hopefully tell Santa she wants a present that has already been bought for her. Let’s hope.
Lukie will probably wiggle off Santa’s lap and try to walk around Macy’s instead. Or maybe he will try to take off Santa’s glasses. Hmm… this should be fun.
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Yesterday, Hanukah began and Natalie wanted me to explain to her what Hanukah is. (Yeah, not her dad who is from Great Neck, me… the chicky who has gone to Catholic school - although I’m not Catholic - all my life)
So in a last minute, unexpected history lesson, I tried my best to explain to Natalie about Hanukah.
I told her that there was enough oil to make light for eight days instead of the one that was expected so there was enough oil to last until new oil arrived, told her that Jewish little kids light one light (or candle) each night for eight nights to remember that miracle and instead of candy canes and one night of presents like mommy received it’s a tradition now for little kids to get gelt and one small gift each night for eight nights. (Of course she remembers the chocolate gelt because she got some last year from a relative.) I told her that everyone who celebrates Hanukah gets to eat latkes and fried donuts which I think confused her because she eats latkes and fried donuts.
So then I tried to mention something about why the dreidel is significant to the miracle that happened with the oil. No joke. I was totally not prepared and I wish I was. But I think I did an OK job.
Lukie was invited to a Hanukah party this year. I asked his dad to take him. Yeah, well now we know why I said “invited” and not “attended”. Argh. Next year, I’m just going to have to take the kids to all of the holiday parties they are invited to.
But for now, here’s to praying Miss Natalie doesn’t overhear the word “Kwanzaa” and ask me what it is. Or even worse.. Chrismukkah.
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